LGBTQ+ community gloats as world’s first competitive trans surfer destroys opposition to win one-sided women’s longboard contest; becomes the first surfer in history to win both the men’s and women’s divisions!


Come meditate.

Dear brothers and sisters, What if I told you that surfboard shapers are evil creatures who seek to keep all of humanity locked in embarrassing mediocrity so they can go to surfboard shaper conferences or hang out in surfboard shapers and laugh and laugh and laugh more until the tears come to their eyes and wash the foam dust from their cheeks about our poor talent? Our bumpy rail bogging, slow top turns, non-existent bottom turns and really bad lines?

Oh, I’m kidding, and I know myself that my jokes aren’t brilliant, but you know, anything can be taken as a joke. I may be kidding against the grain. But in truth, I am tormented by questions; answer them for me. Surfboard connoisseurs, those who know all about liters, rocker, concave, etc. want to cure surfers of old habits, order boards unsuitable for their body type or skill level, and reform their will in accordance with science. and common sense.

They see another surfer in the formation riding a high performance JS Monsta squash cue and paddling, clicking his tongue, saying, “You sir are not a professional and should be on something with a lot more volume .” Or take to Instagram and comment “Too little volume, too much rocker” under the posts of another surfer taking off too late and taking a nasty turn.

But how does the surfboard know-know-it-all, not only that it’s possible, but also that it’s desirable to reform a surfer this way? And what leads him to the conclusion that the surfers’ inclinations must be reformed? In short, how do we know that such a reform will be a benefit for the surfer? And to get to the bottom of it, why is the surfboard know-it-all so positively convinced that not acting against one’s true normal interests guaranteed by the conclusions of reason and arithmetic is certainly always advantageous for man and must always be a law for mankind?

For now, this is just a guess. It may be the law of logic, but not the law of humanity. Do you think, brothers and sisters, that I may be crazy? Allow me to defend myself. I agree that surfers are eminently creative animals, predestined to consciously seek out an object and engage in engineering – that is, endlessly and eternally buying new models of surfboards with tweaks and tweaks, following new roads wherever they lead. But if a surfer sometimes wants to get away, it is perhaps simply that he is predestined to hit the road, and perhaps also that, however stupid the “direct” practical man may be, the thought it will sometimes occur to him that the road almost always leads somewhere, and that the destination to which it leads is less important than the process of getting there, and that the main thing is to prevent the well-behaved child from despising engineering, and so giving way to the fatal. idleness, which, as we all know, is the mother of all vices.

Surfers like to route and create, that’s an indisputable fact. But why do we also have such a passionate love for destruction and chaos? To suck so badly and publicly? Tell me that!

But on this point I want to say a few words myself. Can’t it be that surfers love mayhem and destruction and suck so badly and publicly (it’s undeniable that we do sometimes) because we’re instinctively afraid to achieve what we seek and become good and powerful surfers?

Who knows, maybe we only like this idea, actually becoming good, at a distance, and we are not in love with it up close at all; maybe we just like to pretend to be better surfers and once a surfboard we ride makes us surf too good we give up and order a board from Greg Webber that looks like a banana, throwing our another board in the yard for the use of domestic animals — such as ants, sheep, etc.

Now the ants have a whole different taste. They have a wonderful edifice of this model that lasts forever – the anthill. With the anthill the respectable race of ants began and with the anthill it will probably end, which does the greatest credit to their perseverance and common sense.

But surfers are frivolous, incongruous creatures, and perhaps, like chess players, they love the process of improvement, not the end. And who knows (it is not said with certainty), perhaps the only goal on earth towards which humanity is striving lies in this ceaseless process of reaching, that is, in life itself. itself, and not in the thing to be achieved, which must always be expressed in formula, as positive as two times two is four, and such positivity is not life, brothers and sisters, but the beginning of dead.

Either way, internet users should always be afraid of this mathematical certainty, and I am afraid of it now. Certainly the surfer, especially the know-it-all surfer, only seeks this mathematical certainty, he crosses the oceans, sacrifices his life in the quest, this magic board, but succeeding, really finding it, dreads, I assure you . He feels that when he finds it, he won’t have anything to search for exactly the way Kelly Slater feels, filling his time with empty social media battles and religious healers.

When the workers have finished their work, they at least get their pay, they go to the tavern, then they are taken to the police station—and it’s a week of occupation. But where can surfers go? Be that as it may, one can observe a certain awkwardness in the surfer who has reached such objects (see also Kelly Slater). Surfers like the process of reaching, but don’t quite like having reached, and that, of course, is very absurd.

In fact, surfers are comical creatures; there seems to be some sort of joke in it all. But yet, mathematical certainty is after all something unbearable. Two times two is four seems simply insolent to me. Two times two is four is a coxcomb pert standing with arms akimbo blocking your way and spitting. I admit that twice two is four is an excellent thing, but if one wants to give all that is due to him, twice two is five is sometimes also a very charming thing. And why are you so firmly, so triumphantly, convinced that only the normal and the positive, that is to say only what is conducive to well-being, is for the benefit of Internet users? Is not reason in error as to advantage?

Perhaps surfers don’t like anything other than good surfing? Perhaps we love suffering just as much? Maybe suffering is as good for us as good surfing? Humanity is sometimes extraordinarily, passionately in love with suffering, and that is a fact. There is no need to appeal to universal history to prove it; just ask yourself if you are a man or a woman – a surfer – and if you have lived.

As far as my personal opinion is concerned, only caring about good surfing seems positively rude to me. Whether it’s good or bad, sometimes it’s also very nice to break stuff and surf like a complete Cro-Magnon. I don’t want to suffer or surf well either. I defend… my whim, and have it guaranteed to me in time of need. To paddle on a very rough day, barrel and so on, on a surfboard not designed for barrels. Likewise, paddling a very small day on something that requires perfection to execute.

Suffering would be out of place in vaudeville, for example; I know that. In a “perfect world”, this is unthinkable; suffering means doubt, negation, and what good would a “perfect world” be if there could be any doubt? And yet I think that man will never renounce real suffering, that is to say, destruction and chaos.

Why, suffering is the only origin of consciousness. Although I believe that conscience is man’s greatest misfortune, yet I know that man values ​​it and would not give it up for any satisfaction. Consciousness, for example, is infinitely greater than two times two is four. Once you have mathematical certainty, there is nothing more to do or understand. All you have to do is bottle up your five senses and immerse yourself in contemplation. Whereas if you stick to consciousness, even if the same result is achieved, you can at least whip yourself once in a while, and it will enliven you anyway. As reactionary as it is, corporal punishment is better than nothing.

All of this to say that there is no perfect surfboard for a surfer and whatever a reputable shaper produces, whether it’s a custom order or an order pulled from the rack, is good enough. Surfboard shapers should not be blamed for our misfortune, our poor skill. We want and need it and will never become Kelly Slater because Kelly Slater is miserable. Also, the surfboard connoisseur should shut up.


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